Sunday, September 2, 2012

Of Tide Pens and Princesses


Begrudging photo credit.

Once upon a time (this summer) there was a fairy princess (me... uh, my friend) who wanted a cup of magic potion (tall iced skinny caramel macchiato) before she had to go sing to the forest creatures (go to her internship) all day.

But before the princess could even pull her chariot out of the drive thru, she realized that the evil witch behind the counter didn't snap the lid on all the way. She realized this as the magic potion trickled aaaaaall the way down her white shirt. Never fear, she thought. I have a Tide pen! But alas, the Tide pen was in her other purse. So the princess, having originally been twenty minutes early, had to go to Walmart and buy a new shirt and wait in line behind some lady buying every pack and variety of cigarettes known to manf---ingkind and was thus ten minutes late.

I should write for Disney.
Seriously, the obsessive compulsive organizational gremlin that is me 98% of the time was pissed that I had exactly what I needed in exactly the wrong place. To prevent the sorts of tragedies that seem to befall me whenever I'm wearing white and basically at all other times, behold: the Sam-proof 911 kit that 1) prepares me for any situation beyond shark attack and alien invasion and 2) keeps all my crap in one place for easypeasy A.M. purse switches.

Purse organizer, $15 | The crap corral. Amazon has a buttload (2ge+her reference!) of options.
Fashion tape, safety pins | For necklines and bra straps that want to give the goods away fo' free.
Fold-up comb, bobby pins, hair ties | In case your elastic snaps ten seconds before your first ever oral argument.
Tweezers and a nail file | I'm like the guy with a  five o'clock shadow by noon. Only on my eyebrows.
Bandaids, Advil, Tums, Kleenex, concealer | Essentials to fake not being sick/mortally wounded. 
Two tampons | One for you, one for the girl who comes up and asks if you have an extra. Be a hero.
Mints, $20 cash, a granola bar, and a phone charger | No one likes to be stinky, broke, hungry, or dead.
Fold-up flats and a baby umbrella | Optional if you're not a freak weather magnet like me.
Industrial power lint rollers | Optional if you don't live with two four-legged hair factories.
Tide pen, Shout wipes | ... don't get me started.
Mini bottle of Jack | Just kidding. Look away.

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